Catchphrases

By Anamesh Sharma

Everyone on this planet has the God-given right to a life soundtrack. That’s right – along with life, liberty, and the pursuit of disease free anonymous sex, we are each entitled to travel throughout our days with a band or orchestra to play music to represent our mood at any given time. Personally, I travel around with an 8-piece band (in the interest of full disclosure it may only be 7 depending on whether or not a jug is considered a piece) to let everyone I come in contact with know how I am feeling. I also am aware that having a band isn’t financially or logistically possible for everybody. So let me suggest the next best thing. A catchphrase! That’s right a catchphrase – a simple phrase that embodies your personal philosophy and can become your signature to the world.

Now, I don’t want to go off on a rant here, but the catchphrase should be original, memorable and reflect you. For instance if you are heroic or are just prone to wearing capes as a fashion accessory, pick something that invokes action – like Superman’s “Up, Up, and Away!” or the Wonder Twins’ “Wonder Twins Power Activate!” or even the lesser known Aquaman’s, “Hey fish, come help me do something. Please, no seriously I could really use the help!” If you are a person of action, your catchphrase doesn’t even need to make sense like when what’s his name says “Shazam!” I looked that up in the dictionary and it just read: Do you really have this much time on your hands? Touché, Mr. Oxford, touché.

Catchphrases aren’t just for active people. If you are animated you are perfect for catchphrasedom. Every Simpson, Looney Toon, or Hannah Barbera character was known for their catchphrases. If I say “What’s up, Doc?,” you think Bugs Bunny. “Smarter then the average bear,” Yogi. “I tawt I taw a putty tat,” Tweety. And who can hear the words “They’re great!” without thinking of Jessica Rabbit’s melons.

Politicians also have a long and storied tradition of catchphrases. From Washington’s “I can not tell a lie.” to Truman’s “The buck stops here!’ and even Idaho Senator Craig’s “I have a wide stance.” Each imbues this great nation with pride.

Catchphrases though are for everybody. The important thing is to pick one. Commit to it. And say it often and soon you too will have your own. The world awaits your decision. Until then you can borrow mine which consist of a fart followed by me saying “That’s just chili being chili.” Good night and good luck and don’t have a cow.

Ummm…What?

We all love March Madness – relaxing in front of the TV and enjoying all of the frantic roundball action with your favorite foods and a tall, cold beverage. What could make this annual event even better, you ask? How about dick surgery?

How About Now?

A story on CNN today reported that Hispanic machismo-peddler Enrique Iglesias said he is planning on retiring by age 50. “I want to retire in the next 15 years,” Iglesias said. “But that’s what I say now. Who knows if I’ll have the courage to do it when the day comes.”

Here’s hoping that this courageous man somehow finds the bravery and grit and gutty determination within himself to retreat into his Latin love palace a little sooner. And here’s also hoping that CNN soon realizes that it’s CN-fucking-N, and not US Weekly.

WTF Television Characters – The All-time List

It happens to the best of us. We get suckered in by a new television show, start to feel committed, develop an emotional bond and a rooting interest in the lives of characters, and neglect social obligations to run home and watch it every week. Then out of nowhere we get an emotional kick to the loins when – for no apparent reason – the writers decide to spice it up by introducing a new character that throws our fake world into fake upheaval. It’s a fake tragedy.

So, today, The All-time List explores the most baffling, most frustrating WTF television characters ever.

 

Tori Scott, Saved by the Bell
When All-American hottie Kelly Kapowski and feminist nag Jesse Spano left during a contract dispute in the final season, show producers decided to try to replace them both with one new character. The result was Tori Scott – a rough-looking, tough-talking, motorcycle-riding tomboy. Just what every teenage guy dreams of – a leather-jacket clad girl to domineer and emasculate him. But that didn’t seem to phase Zack Morris, Bayside’s resident date-rapist-in-waiting, from finding her attractive. But for viewers it was a different story. Even if you thought Jesse was annoying with her militant femme agenda, you were still left crying out for her and her “I’m so excited…I’m so excited…I’m so…scared!” antics after one episode with Tori.

 

Luke Brower, Growing Pains
Long before he was king of the world, Leonardo DiCaprio was Luke – an annoyingly-likeable hobo with a heart of gold, taken in by the Seavers. Although this would seem like a nice, heart-warming show of humanity, the Seavers were really just idiots. Let’s see, we have a big, expensive house and three vulnerable children – why don’t we welcome an unknown homeless kid to live with us? What could go wrong? Well, it’s TV land, so nothing much does. Oh, except for the one episode where Luke’s old three card monty-dealing friend from the streets comes for a visit and ends up getting caught stealing jewelry. Serves you right, Seavers. Serves you right to hell.

Olivia Kendall, The Cosby Show
I never thought the Huxtables would stoop so low. Ok, Olivia, we get it. You’re young and cute and can be taught to say things on cue. And you’re also largely to blame for the Olsen twins and any number of other shows that featured talkative tots with a knack for inspiring the “Awwwwwwww” response from network sitcom audiences.

Coy & Vance Duke, The Dukes of Hazzard
One day, Bo & Luke Duke just up and decided to go become professional race car drivers. And, in their place came Coy & Vance Duke – a totally different set of tight jean-wearing Duke cousins. So, let’s see – Bo & Luke were cousins. And Daisy was their cousin. And Coy & Vance are also cousins – and Daisy is also their cousin. Yet Bo, Luke, Coy & Vance aren’t brothers at all. And Jesse is everyone’s uncle? Got it. The worst part was that when they skipped town, Bo & Luke decided it wasn’t necessary to take along the General Lee – so Coy & Vance had free rein to be lame-ass mother fuckers in the world’s greatest car. Just the thought of those two d-bags jumping off piles of dirt in that orange dream machine pisses me off to this day.

Nicky & Paulo, Lost
When Oceanic Flight 815 crashed on a remote tropical island on the pilot of Lost, a handful of fiercely-engaging characters crawled from the wreckage and started revealing themselves to viewers, one cliff-hanging episode at a time. None of those characters, however, were named Nicky or Paulo. That’s why viewers found it awfully odd and stupid when, in season three, these two boring characters just showed up and started wasting screen time – eating up an entire episode with their pointless backstory. The biggest betrayal was having to watch established characters like Jack and Sawyer talk about these two like they have ever been mentioned before. Luckily, the producers quickly realized their mistake – sending them both to a shallow grave and never mentioning them again.

Know of one we missed? Send it to shumaluckbucky@gmail.com

New Apple iPhone Features

Last week Apple, Inc. announced details regarding their highly anticipated, industry changing iPhone. Amid all the hype, many aspects of the new device have been overlooked. Here is a list of some features of the iPhone that haven’t been extensively reported on:

• In case of emergency, phone is actually edible. Silicone and metal components bio-engineered to taste like apples. Flavors include Delicious (red, golden), Ralls Genet,and Macoun. (Fuji and Honey Crisp available 3rd quarter 2007).
• Automatically puts lowercase i’s in front of all of your contact names, then sues you for copyright infringement.
• Will drop in price almost as fast as newer, more expensive, must-have models are released.
• Having trouble breaking-up with your significant other? Voice actualizing technology allows for phrases such as “I just think we’re moving a little too fast, and it scares me,” “if we just took a little time off we’d be able to understand ‘us’ better,” and “the last thing I want to do is hurt you,” to be said in your voice while you go golfing with your friends.
• Gives users 12.5% more pretentiousness then past iPods.
• All models come with Steve Jobs’ phone number pre-programmed. Give him a call, he promises he’ll talk… No matter what time… Please? He used to be CEO at Pixar, did you know that? Yeah, that’s right, the Monsters Inc. guys.
• Praying to it is almost twice as effective as praying to conventional deities such as Jesus and Buddha.
• It actually brings sexyback.
• It can shoot and upload videos of genocidal dictators being executed and taunted, sparking mass sectarian violence and vastly unwarranted cries of martyrdom, faster then any other phone on the market.
• Like all cellular technology, it causes cancer. But the tumors are innovatively designed, completely compatible with your music collection, and come in multiple colors including a project red one indorsed by Bono.
• Allows two people to talk to each other even if they are not in the same room or province!

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-Gives users 12.5% more pretentiousness then past iPods.

-All models come with Steve Jobs’ phone number pre-programmed. Give him a call, he promises he’ll talk… No matter what time… Please? He used to be CEO at Pixar, did you know that? Yeah, that’s right, the Monsters Inc. guys.

-Praying to it is almost twice as effective as praying to conventional deities such as Jesus and Buddha.

-It actually brings sexyback.

-It can shoot and upload videos of genocidal dictators being executed and taunted, sparking mass sectarian violence and vastly unwarranted cries of martyrdom, faster then any other phone on the market.

-Like all cellular technology, it causes cancer. But the tumors are innovatively designed, completely compatible with your music collection, and come in multiple colors including a project red one indorsed by Bono.

-Allows two people to talk to each other even if they are not in the same room or province!

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