Yet More Amazing True Facts About Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was one of the actors in Walker, Texas Ranger (1993-2001)

Chuck Norris was born in Ryan, Oklahoma to Wilma Scarberry and Carlos Ray Norris.

Chuck Norris and his wife divorced in 1988 after 30 years of marriage.

Chuck Norris is an ardent supporter of Mike Huckabee.

Norris serves on the board of directors of the National Council on Bible Curriculum in Public Schools.

Chuck Norris sent a congratulatory letter to Tim Tebow, Quarterback of the Florida Gators, following his Heisman Trophy win.

He has two younger brothers – Aaron and Weiland (deceased).

Most Coveted Jobs In Super Mario World

Pipe fitter
Castle architect
Mushroom farmer
Princess
Bib overall fashion designer
Bomb maker
Geneticist (working on gigantic turtle research)
Coin collector
Bottomless pit digger

People I Would Hand Pick to be in an Arm Wrestling Tournament With Me

My cousin Katie
Alan Thicke
A nun
Dakota Fanning
A dead man

Rejected State Mottos

RHODE ISLAND: No, I don’t know your cousin Jeff.
WASHINGTON: Tell people you’re visiting here and then immediately have to explain that you are coming to the state, not the nation’s capital.
FLORIDA: Al Gore free since 2000.
NEW HAMPSHIRE: Vermont’s crazy liberal friend.
NEW MEXICO: All of the tacos, none of los tacos.
MICHIGAN: You’ve probably had sex with someone from our state… probably.
UTAH: (shudder)
NEW JERSEY: The most common answer to the question,”What is that smell?”
OHIO: With God all things are possible, but they don’t usually happen.
NORTH DAKOTA: Open from 8am to 6pm. Closed Sundays.
CALIFORNIA: Still Gay!
MISSOURI: You have to drive through it eventually.
MICHIGAN: Sorry about that.
WYOMING: The Only state that can be used as a progressive verb.

Little Known Presidential Facts

Theodore Roosevelt is credited with creating the teddy bear. But, he also invented the piece of lingerie known as the “teddy”

Millard Fillmore collected goat figurines.

Herbert Hoover was born with three hands. While attempting to fix the deformity shortly after his birth, doctors mistakenly removed two of the fists – instead of one. Hoover was so enraged and bitter about this that he would furiously shake his one fist at any doctor he met. (This is where this now common gesture came from)

Alexander Hamilton was able to fly five feet off of the ground, in four-second bursts.

Ronald Reagan’s favorite movie was Heathers.

Dwight Eisenhower never saw a vegetable in his entire life.

Benjamin Harrison was nothing more than a giant burlap sack of bird seed with a trench coat wrapped around it.

Taft was gay.

Franklin Pierce was born on the same day in the same year in the same room as Jake Gyllenhaal.

After his tenure as President, Martin Van Buren ran a multi-national sock conglomerate.

John Adams and John Quincy Adams were completely unrelated, but did bang the same girl at one point.

A large section of Harry Truman’s biography consists of lyrics to Steely Dan songs.

Gary Sinise was never President of the United States.

Ulysses S. Grant had massive drinking contest with a friend when he was only thirteen years-old. When he finally sobered up he had been President for three years.

John F. Kennedy’s famous “Ich Been Ein Berliner” often times misquoted. What he really said was ‘it’s benign Melinda’ possibly referring to a melanomic mole his friend Melinda asked him to biopsy moments before he went on stage.

William McKinley was originally considered for the role of Marty McFly in the original Back to the Future before it was discovered that he was a hundred year-old rotting corpse at that point.

On a fishing trip, James Buchanan caught an Irish man steeling a loaf of bread for his family. They laughed about for a long time, then Buchanan gutted the man and fried him up with fennel and a white wine reduction.

Bill Clinton’s actual first name is William.

Although he was never President, Alexander Hamilton managed to make his way onto the Shumaluckbucky little known presidential facts post nearly 250 years after his death.

Lincoln’s nickname was “The Swizzle Stick” in the White House intramural sports team.

Jimmy Carter has a wooden knee.

George Washington’s first set of teeth was made out of made out of bone, but that made him feel like a savage. So he switched to a wooden set.

James K. Polk once broke his leg wrestling a sheep.

Bill Clinton smoked pot.

John Adams and John Quincy Adams were not only the first father-son presidential team, but were also the first ever father-son Warlock team in the White House.

George Bush Sr. and George W. Bush are also Warlocks.

FDR had a fake arm filled with whisky at all times.

Andrew Jackson was hated by many for calling an entire group of Whig protesters “Whiggers”.

I did a report on James Monroe in 4th grade.

Calvin Coolidge lived on a diet of baby food and grenadine for 7 years.

Herbs & Spices That Sound Like They Could Be Car Models

Hyundai Cilantro
Honda Parsley
Kia Oregano
Toyota Thyme
Nissan Basil
Chevy Cayenne
Mercury Cumin

Holiday Themed Horror Films

1. Rudolph the Red Nosed Homicidal Maniac
2. Away in a Mangler
3. I’ll Be Homeless For Christmas
4. Slay-del, Slay-Del, Slay-del, I Made It Out of Death
5. Christmas Cleave
6. Frosty the Boogeyman
7. Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrhder
8. Ho, Ho, Holy Crap There’s a Man With A Hatchet At The Door
9. A Long Dismember (Should be filed under Counting Crows horror films)
10. Yes, Virginia There Is A Homicidal Clown with a Machete Under Your Bed
11. Mutilation on 34th St.
12. Polar Express Redux: Insane Train Of Pain and Splattered Brains
13. Be Good Or Santa Will Cut You
14. I’m Dreaming Of A White Christmas (Starring David Duke)
15. Adolf The Red Nosed Leader Of The National Socialist Party
16. Ghengis Khan Saves Christmas
17. It’s A Wonderful Life 2: Potter’s Revenge
18. Candy Caning – A Singapore Christmas
19. Christmas Mourning*It’s The Most Blood-derful Time Of The Year
20. The Red And Green Mile (A Christmas Prison thriller)
21. You Better Watch Out, You Better Not Cry, You Better Not Pout I’m Tellin’You Why, Santa Claus Could Snap At Any Second
22. The Santa Klause 4: Tim Allen Won’t DieBy

Cory Cavin and Dan Messina

Bargin Bin Porn Publications

1. Bible Bitches
2. Amputee & A
3. Barely Alive
4. Scab
5. Hair Fetish Quarterly
6. Rosie
7. HermAFROdite

Highlights From the Friar’s Club Roast of Abraham Lincoln

“I’m not saying that Abe is ugly, but he’s the only guy that’s been better looking after being shot in the head”
-Andrew Johnson

“Abraham Lincoln is one dumb guy. I mean, this guy thinks the cotton gin is an alcoholic beverage. He think that gas lighting is what happens when he farts on a candle.”
-Mathius J. Franklin

“You’d think that this guy has all the chicks swooning over him. But I got some info for you folks, it’s more like GAYbraham Lincoln. Four score and seven queers ago, maybe!!”
-Harriet Tubman

“This man is so important that one day they will name a car after him. The Lincoln. You’ll know it because it’ll be the one that is moving so slowly that you’ll want to follow the driver to a theatre and shoot them in the back of the head.”
-Jeffrey Ross

“Boy, I’ll tell you. This guy is NOT popular in the South. I think the only two things less popular than him in the South are reading and regular dental check-ups.”
-Robert E. Lee

Things My Waiter At A Mexican Restaurant Was Probably Thinking In His Head About Me & My Dining Partners

1. “Sure buddy, I got your chimichanga hanging low”
2. “Mexican pizza? Mexican pizza? How about Mexican I’ll Stab You?”
3. “Here’s your extra salsa, you perverts”
4. “Sure, I’d love nothing more than to sing you happy birthday in Spanish and shake around these ridiculous, multi-colored maracas”
5. “Let this motherfucker ask for one more refill. Just one more…”
6. “Fuck you”