This Week’s Guest Columnist

I Ain’t So Bad! 
By Middle Finger, Guest Columnist

Hey ya’ll! Middle Finger here. And I just wanted to take this opportunity to clear up some of the silly bad buzz that’s been going around about me. I don’t know how it all started, but hopefully we can all put it to rest right now. Because, I think if you spent a lil’ time with me, you’d start to realize that I’m just a normal guy.

One of the things that bothers me most is that I still don’t understand how I have become associated with such terrible words and feelings. I mean, none of the other fingers are burdened with such an icky conotation. I mean, my next door neighbor the index finger gets to point out interesting and important things all day. “Hey, look everyone, it’s a pony!” he says. Or, “Sure I can help. The bathroom is right THERE!!!” How helpful! The ring finger gets to wear gold and diamond-encrusted jewelry that symbolizes undying love. How special is that? The thumb only has to point up to mean good things. And even pinkie has the pinkie promise – the world most special and honorable way of agreeing!

It’s not like I’m not happy for them. I really am. And they all handle their specialness with such class and modesty. But, even so, why do I have to mean “Hey, blow it out your A$$, shitbag”??? Doesn’t seem quite fair. Maybe it’s our lack of familiarity that is the problem. So, a little information about me: I am from Waukegan, Illinois. I love beach volleyball and hosting Friday Fish Fry’s during lent. And my favorite song is “Walk Like An Egyptian”. A little old, I know, but still so catchy nonetheless.

So there, the next time you see me, maybe you won’t be quite so taken aback. Maybe you won’t be quite so driven to kill. Maybe you’ll see me, take a big deep breath and remember that we’re all on this great big spinning Earth together – and we really all can just get along!

XOXO.