Childhood Bullshit

Childhood was full of a whole lot of bullshit. Most of this was made up of things adults lied about or misrepresented in order to get us to shut up and behave. This column is devoted to destroying these things.

SWIMMING POOL PEE DYE
Let’s be honest about one thing here, people. We’re all peeing in the swimming pool. All of us. And to suggest otherwise is not only dishonest, it’s just plain evil. It’s universally-understood that when you take it upon yourself to take a dip in your local community swimming pool, you are thereby choosing to immerse yourself in a great big puddle of urine.

That’s why it’s complete bullshit that the entire span of childhood years was filled with the pee dye myth. You know what I’m talking about – the popular story that whatever pool you happen to be pissdiving in at that particular moment is treated with a special chemical designed to create a cloudy red-colored piss force-field around you the minute you start to relieve yourself in it.

Besides the fact that the existence of this magical pee-revealing dye would represent the single biggest misuse of scientific research and development dollars known to man, it is also just plain dumb. After all, if this existed, every single pool on earth would look like a giant blood clot.

Childhood is a careless time. You don’t much care what you look like, what you sound like or who your dweeby friends are. And you damn sure don’t care where you have a bowel movement. In fact, childhood is marked by a beautiful disregard for the places you move your bowels. In your pants, in your bed, in the pool – it’s all good. If there’s a toilet around, that’s cool. If not, that’s good too. That’s why the pool pee dye myth was wrong – because it was shameless fearmongering aimed at changing this freedom of spirit. So, hold on to your right to pee in pools, kids. Because once you start peeing in a ceramic bowl, they’ve got you. They’ve got you good.

Childhood Bullshit: Cursive Writing

Childhood was full of a whole lot of bullshit. Most of this was made up of things adults lied about or misrepresented in order to get us to shut up and behave. This column is devoted to destroying these things.

CURSIVE WRITING
Cursive writing was one of the biggest loads of bullshit of all time. Countless hours were spent during elementary school with a big pencil in hand, and a piece of that weird off-white paper with the blue dotted lines on it – trying to learn this idiotic way of writing. Hey kid that barely knows how to write anyways – how about this: M’s now have THREE humps on them, N’s have TWO now, Capital T’s look just like a J, and Q’s look exactly like a giant number two. Deal with that – and try not to get A.D.D. in the process.

Oh, and don’t worry kid. We’ll make sure you learn this giant insane waste of time writing style by convincing you that this is the way that everyone writes all of the time. In fact, we’ll tell you that you have to be able to write like this or people won’t understand anything you write ever. We won’t tell you that in reality the only way you will ever, ever need to know cursive writing is if you happen to be one of the .000000001% of the population that grows up to be a fucking Ben Franklin impersonator. In which case you really should be learning this with a feather quill. Or should I say a 2uill.